4/22: Rose-colored Glasses

Rose and I only have 2 months more months to hangout. She's been a pretty popular trend on my Facebook with many of my friends looking forward to her insights on what she perceives is staple western culture and behavior. Often these are caricatures or exaggerations of western behavior but it's been fascinating to watch. Here are some of my favorite moments:

On how to fit in a dress:

"Today, I thought my boobs got smaller because I didn't have dinner last night and my dress was loose. Then when I got to Starbucks I realized I didn't zip up my dress [all the way]."


On dating:
Sorry I know it's supposed to be one quote a day but this is another classic brand new from Rose: "I'm not the kind of girl that likes just spending a man's money, but if he likes me then he should spend money."

On food waste:
Rose: "I was gonna order pigs brains but I think you don't like it."
Me: "Yeah again we don't really eat internal organs in America. It's not really a common, traditional thing. We just eat the muscle or the body of animals."
Rose: "The whole body is dead. Who cares? What difference does it make?"



Some of the situations I've been put in have been pretty crazy. Explaining the n-word and explaining what a "thick bitch" means in rap music.

Explaining why "other" black women seem bigger than I am.

Explaining western dietary habits.

Explaining gay culture in the states.

Indulging usually involuntarily in a huge photo album of constantly snapped Rose selfies.


In sharing these things, I realize how outsiders possibly view our country and customs. It's been nonetheless interesting.
What makes Rose different from other Chinese I've encountered, however, is her willingness to fully embrace everything western. While most Chinese are proud of their heritage and traditions and show a genuine curiosity and interest in western culture, Rose seems willing and ready to abandon these notions at the slightest gesture of excitement and adventure. The only thing that has held Rose back from throwing herself into fully pursuing going abroad seems to be her family, who struggle to embrace Rose's western attitudes and interests and want her rooted in traditional Chinese culture.

Rose usually talks about herself and her accomplishments in a way that shows deep insecurity. She revolves the topics around herself, rarely asking about me or what I'm doing or what I like.

Sometimes, it can be frustrating having conversations with her because she's unintentionally dismissive. For example, she may ask me a question about something but as I'm answering she will text someone on her phone and then fade to another topic altogether without acknowledging my answer. Sometimes, I'll try to talk about something I'm doing and she'll interject with a conversation topic about her job or her boyfriend totally irrelevant to what I'm speaking about. Or she'll just altogether ramble about something or drag me into something I've clearly expressed I have no interest in.

Most people would probably not bother to be friends with someone seemingly so self-absorbed but Rose does not realize her behavior as self-obsessive and she isn't completely apathetic. In addition to these behaviors, there are also many times she has been generous in various ways such as treating me to dinner whenever I was low on funds and even when I insisted on  giving her repayment, she would never accept my money often saying "C'mon, we're friends. Don't worry about it."

She'll take me to local markets, shops, and places and explain things to me that are useful or stop me from doing something embarrassing and not culturally acceptable.

And she invites me and introduces me to new foreign friends.

Because of this she's been a valuable asset and a most-of-the-time pretty decent friend.

Currently, she's in a pretty crappy relationship with a German guy about 8 years her senior (36 yrs old) who treats her pretty disrespectfully. He's not abusive physically, but rather emotionally and slightly controlling. He tells Rose she needs to lose weight when she's perfectly healthy and thin. He tells her she can't hang out with male friends while he often hangs out by himself with female colleagues. He dictates when she should hang out and seems to get upset when she seems otherwise preoccupied. He also calls her a bitch if she whines about being treated unfairly. Recently, he went on a 4 day trip and didn't message Rose the entire time.

Rose has complained for the past 3 months about this relationship and much to my impatience as I often tell her the relationship is unhealthy and that she is holding onto it because she is fearful she will be alone.

In China, it is heavily looked down upon and bizarre to be in your 30's unmarried, single, with no kids and as Rose approaches 30 her mother has been in panic mode, often trying to set Rose up on blind dates with local Chinese guys who are often unattractive or lack common interests or ambition with Rose.

Rose, however, has finally settled on a German guy named Franky who raises nothing but red flags. In addition to the behaviors listed above they share no future interest or goals that are widely accepted in Chinese culture. 

Franky does not believe in marriage. He has been in 2 long term relationship, one lasting 10 years before he left the woman and has not cited specific reasons why.

Franky rarely, if ever, pays for meals on dates despite having a much better job as a manager of some German company in which he does overseas work for.




Franky does not want kids. In fact, when Rose asked him what were to happen if she accidentally got pregnant she was met with silence.

Franky often flirts secretly with other women which Rose finds out about through colleagues and acquaintances who frequent at similar hangouts of Franky on nights he's not with Rose.

Franky only calls Rose over to his house, will never visit her's, and seemingly it only seems to be when he wants sex.

Franky doesn't use protection and cites the excuse that he "can't find condoms that fit." (Rose is not on the pill and due to public perception of promiscuous women or premarital sex, is too embarrassed to go to a doctor to ask for a prescription).

As a result, I haven't seen much of Rose unless her boyfriend heads to another area of China on business. And even then, she usually heads home early saying she has to work early in the morning.

I pointed these flaws all out to Rose time again about the fact they don't even share future goals that she ultimately looks forward to, mostly marriage and children. Her family has already stated their disappointment but their major concern stems from the distrust of Franky's foreign background and the stereotype that foreigners just impregnate Asian women and leave them. In this case, however, the stereotype would be uncannily true judging from Franky's statements and behaviors.

"Rose," I said, "I've had friends in terrible relationships. I can tell you this will not end well. I'm sorry if this makes you feel bad in anyway, but as your friend I have to be honest otherwise I wouldn't be a good friend if I let you get hurt."

"No, I thank you," she said, "I have a lot to think about."

I don't know if she will. Many times she's threaten to break up with him but as often happens with emotionally abusive relationships Franky will "cry" and make Rose feel bad for even thinking about it and she believes him and ignores all the bad.

So, I know if Rose seems a little self-absorbed it's really only because she has to constantly convince herself she''s important and worthwhile. It's for these reasons, I'm patient even though sometimes our interactions are frustrating because of their one-sidedness.

"I don't understand why he's with someone like me," she once said, "I mean I'm nothing, I'm just a teacher and he's a manager of a big company."

"It's not about your occupation that makes you worth something," I told her, "That's not how life works. You love what you do and you're good at it and you're bright and smart and outgoing. There are tons of terrible people who make more money."

 "Making more money doesn't mean you're a better person or worth more."


Maybe, one day Rose will truly believe the words she once told me as we drove to a restaurant for lunch.

"Some people think I am a bitch. I don't know why. I'm not a bitch. It's okay. I know who I am. I'm confident in myself."

4/14-The Inspiration of Words

I entered a writing competition on Sunday. They always make me a tad nervous. I feel as though a thousand critics are deciphering every word and then judging if it's worthy of anyone's time.

Today, I read through the other contestants and honestly didn't feel a lot of them were good.

There are two types of writing when one is writing about a personal experience.

One who writes about what they see from own perspective.

And one who makes you see from their perspective.

When writing "I, I, I" in a story it can get rather redundant and so it's important to incorporate other types of views either from other people around you and their insights or from a 3rd person view.

For example:
"I saw a man walking down the street and he looked suspicious so I walked across the street to avoid him."

That's a explanatory sentence. And in my opinion, it's rather boring but a lot of people write this way.

Then there's:

A suspicious man dressed in black meandered down the street suspiciously. My heart thumped loudly in my chest as I nervously crossed the street to avoid him.

Now I've put it into a perspective where the reader can feel the tension and understand more about what's going on.

One of my self-admitted flaws as a writer is that sometimes I feel I use too much imagery though and the main point can get lost. But I think it's because I have a deep appreciation for a rather outdated art form of writing.

I recently started reading old classic books I never got a chance to read. I just finished read "A Heart of Darkness" and now I'm reading "Moby Dick."

Both are very different stories but I noticed with older books like that, authors had a way of being so vividly descriptive in everything because people didn't have electronics and access to the vast numbers of pictures and information and entertainment we do today. So in these instances, the words were the pictures.

Traditional Asian plays such as Chinese operas or Japanese Kabuki or even the English Shakespearean plays would take hours and hours of viewers times. But in an era of immediacy and instantaneous gratification, it becomes harder to enjoy longer forms of art as we pack our time with other things.

Regardless, one can still do this expertly. There are authors who are excellent at providing vivid images in short, terse sentences. I can only hope to deftly master such a skill in time.

Point being, the art of writing doesn't come from you writing about what you've done, seen or heard.

It comes from helping other people do, see and hear.

And that's how it should always be. The inspiration of words....