The Factory of Fitness Examinations

I walked past two huge lions, their presence thunderously ominous as I headed up the stairs with Annie, my school coordinator. She was helping me get my physical. My introductory mandarin and her english choppy at best we walked in silence into a building that was washed with white like one of those dreams people have about heaven...or maybe just creepy hospitals. It was, in fact, as impersonal as any hospital could be. When we entered the hallway, a machine that looked like an ATM barked at us to take a ticket number. We did and sat down. Annie asked me some questions about my class, the comfort of my room, and other things. She seemed genuinely sincere.

"The class was really nice," I said, smiling my most reassuring smile.

It had actually been a disaster. I planned for a 40 minute class only to be told I was actually teaching the same class back to back for two periods. After introductions and a brief discussion about the class for the rest of the year, the last half was a blur and all I recalled were bored faces.

We were up. Annie handed the lady at the registration counter some form. The lady glanced at it, wrote a bunch of stuff, took my picture with a small desk camera and sent us to another table where another lady looked at forms and wrote a bunch of stuff.

On the form was a passport-style picture I had to take the other day for various paperwork to stay here and a bunch of numbers. Room numbers. About 7 or 8 of them. I don't recall. All of the sudden we were on our way. A couple of kindly old ladies were behind the desk. Blood draw. God, th
ey wasted no time. In my mind, I groaned mentally.

She pricked me and she wasn't gentle about it, drawing about 3 tubes of blood. She was speaking in mandarin to Annie. I sat there timid. Finally, she handed me a cotton ball (no band-aid), a small plastic cup and a test tube. I had to head to the bathroom to piss in a cup and then I had to pour it into the test tube and then there was a test tube tray outside of the bathroom I had to put the tube in.

Talk about contamination.

I did as I was told, washed my hands and we bolted to the next room where a nurse had me lay down stick a couple of sticky pads on me and then clamped on the pads. She took my heart reading after a few minutes. Signed the paper, handed it to Annie, next room...

That doctor had me stick out my arms and felt my throat, next room....

Weight and height and BMI, next room....

Ears, eyes and mouth checked, next room, upstairs...

Ultrasound....wait a second.

The nurse here said something to Annie asking her a question and pointing to the screen. I glanced. Some kind of organ.
 "Do you have any pain in your gall bladder?" Annie asked.
"No," I said, slightly alarmed.
Annie and the nurse talked again. Annie looked at me,
"You need to eat less eggs, and drink less wine, and eat more breakfast otherwise you will get pain in your gall bladder."

I almost laughed except she had my diet down to a T. I rarely ever eat breakfast but I do love eating eggs later in the day and wine...well, I had guzzled several bottles for "celebrations" before leaving for China and had several cups on the plane ride here. Given Asian life expectancy, perhaps she was on to something. I nodded. Next room....

I laid down. An old, male doctor pushed down around my abdomen and throat again....next room, last room....

X-ray. I saw one of those mats you place over your chest. The room was large and there was a window to the right where 3 people were working on something on a computer. A small, old man with black strands of hair on his balding head pushed me over to the machine grunting and poised me there. I looked behind me and saw one of those chest mats they usually throw over you before they take the X-ray. I wasn't asked to wear any gown, or mat, or strip for the X-ray. Guess there was no need for that here.

I can just tell everyone "well, I went to China and all I got was cancer."

He took the X-ray. Annie met me in the hallway. "Done." She said.

On the way out, I saw another foreigner. He was with his coordinator also doing his paperwork. I guess this was a thing.

I had sore bites from the bed bugs earlier this week and a piece of wisdom tooth that had been jutting from my gum causing that I wanted to ask to be removed or at least something to numb the pain while the gum heals and pushes it out (apparently, this is a normal thing during the healing process). I didn't even know who to ask about remedies or what happened.

People always talk about hospitals and doctors' offices seeming cold, unapproachable and impersonal. But by far that had to be the most invasive, impersonal physical exam I've ever taken an I don't think it lasted longer than 15 minutes....